Date: Sun, 19 Apr 1998 20:52:19 -0800 From: Charlie Ford Subject: To my Old Friend Jim In the fall of 1975 I left my home in Southern Georgia to attend college at a small private school in southeast Tennessee. I guess in many ways, this was more an effort to find a new life rather than get an education. I like many young potentials of my time, was trying to find freedom and independence from the parent and grandparents I had left behind. My Grandfather, the matriarch of our family, had told me that I was not college material. He was right, but I was stubborn and adventurous and struck out on my own to prove him wrong. I have always been an independent sort. I had always played my own hand, often times without regard for others opinions, or my own fate. Once again I would face the consequences of my actions alone. All of my friends were leaving for college, so I felt I had to follow suit. The difference was that they had goals in mind, me I just had my dreams of a new life. I guess peer pressure and the fear of being left behind was my driving force more than any ³goal² to pursue academic excellence. I had essentially hated high school, and could not wait to leave the small town I had grown up in. After arriving at college, I found that sports, girls, and partying were much more important to me than study. I started playing tennis, football, and most any other ³play² I could participate in. It was what I excelled in more than anything else. In tennis I was deceiving. I weighed in at about 300 lb. and because I had grown up that way, I could move faster than most expected. I graduated to top seed pretty quickly, with my serve being as fast as Roscoe Tanner, and my ground game being most effective as well. In other sports, I surpassed most in drive and tenacity. My competitive nature emerged and became as much of a tool as my size. Sports became my vehicle to fame and popularity on the small campus. At the same time my grades sunk further into the abyss of academic troubles. Eventually I was suspended from the college I had chosen, and I was forced to go to work. By the end of my first year of secondary education, I was placed on academic probation. My Grandfather then cut the money off. Thinking back, this may have been the single greatest thing that has ever happened to me. All of a sudden I was thrust into responsibility, full and undeniable responsibility. I was on my own. I went in search of a job. I had a friend Dennis Whitter that approached me one day with a possible opportunity. Dennis had for some time worked with a young man that was afflicted with Cerebral Palsy. Dennis informed me that the family of this man was looking for an attendant, someone to care for him and cater to his needs. I told him I was interested and would apply. The next day I called the Mother of the man on the phone. Mrs. Helen Ayers was her name, and her sonıs name was Jim Ayers. Jim was 24 years of age at the time, and had been basically sheltered from the rest of the world, except for Dennis that is. Dennis had taken it upon himself to get Jim out and about. He gave him his first chance to see the world, at least some of it. Mrs. Ayers and I set up the appointment for me to come over and visit. I dressed in my finest attire and arrived at the private home somewhat early. I was greeted by a maid and shown into the living room where Mrs. Ayers was seated in her large leather chair. The home was obviously the residence of the very wealthy. Mrs. Ayers husband I later found out had owned one of the largest advertising companies in Atlanta, Georgia. Some years earlier he had died and left his earnings to her and his son Jim. There was a daughter, Claudia, but she was married and seldom came around, only when she needed to borrow more money. Mrs. Ayers explained to me the role I would play. Jim was my boss, and I was his attendant. Whatever he needed I was to get for him, no questions asked. I agreed to all terms, and after meeting Jim I looked forward to the job, although I didnıt know anything about it or what it would entail. I was to start the next day with Dennis training me. Jim had been born with cerebral palsy. I expected to see a man frail and twisted and unable to speak. Instead I met a man that was working hard to make his life as good as it could be. I would later learn just how serious he was about that task. Over the first few days I learned Jimıs routine, and I do mean routine. There were schedules for everything from bowel movements, to brushing his teeth. There were times he watched TV, times he read, and times he sat on the john, or his throne as he liked to call it, and times to go to bed. it was a rigorous schedule of his own design. I was scared to death. Each time I would move him I would be as ginger as I could, almost like I was handling a fine crystal dish. In order to move him from one spot to another, I had to straddle him as he lay on the floor, squat down, grab him in a bear hug, and lift his 250 lb. paralysis laden body straight up. I would then walk him the length of the house to where ever he wanted, or needed to go. The house was a five bedroom home with chandeliers. the rooms were the largest I had ever seen in my country boy life. Jim had everything he wanted. In the den there was shelf upon shelf of books, records, and pictures. Much to my surprise he read a lot. He would lay on the floor on his back and read upside down. It was the most amazing thing I have ever seen. He turned the pages with his tongue, and read aloud most of the time. In the first week I pulled my back three times, but I didnıt let anyone know. I needed this job, and I wasnıt going to let the pain of a bad back lose it for me. He heard me grunting once or twice and would ask in his muffed tone, ³Are you alright?². I would answer a painful ³yes², and continue lifting him. Eventually my training ended and I was left alone to attend to Jimıs needs. The first morning I came in a little early and set out preparing for the day. At 8:00 AM sharp, as per his schedule, I woke him. I cleaned his face with a wet cold washcloth and held the urinal for him to use the bathroom. I lifted him out of bed and carried him to his custom built bathroom where his custom built throne was located. He wasnıt very talkative in the morning so after strapping him into place for safety, I left him alone. I guess all self respecting persons prefer to be alone for the first commode session of the day. I walked to the kitchen to start to prepare his breakfast. It usually consisted of an omelet, some ham, and some juice. There was an intercom system that connected to the entire house so when he called I would go back, clean him, and get him ready for his first meal of the day. Believe me, I had never wiped another persons butt before, and it was a totally new experience for me. Actually I felt so sorry for him in the first few days that I really didnıt mind doing it since he couldnıt do it himself. I had to put myself in his place so to speak to gain that understanding. After breakfast we would watch TV. He loved the morning news. He would lay on his back and watch TV, once again upside down, just like he read. I tried this method the second morning and it almost made me sick to my stomach. There was no doubt in my mind that he was one special guy. I quickly grew to admire him in more ways than I could count. On the third morning I suffered an upsetting situation. I had gotten him out of bed, had taken him to his throne, and had left him to make preparations for his breakfast. I heard him call to me over the intercom and I went to fetch him. I cleaned him, unstrapped him and knelt down to grab him in the bear hug. I lifted him from the toilet and stepped back to turn and walk him to the bedroom where I would dress him. As I was stepped back, I tripped on my sizable 12 inch feet and fell backwards. I remember it like it was yesterday. On the way down I was thinking, ³oh my God, watch his head and take the blow yourself². I did just that. he landed right on top of me. I immediately started asking him if he were OK. He said ³Yeah, I am OK, how about you²?. I said ³Yeah, donıt worry about me². I started crying like a baby. here I was laying on the floor of the large bathroom with Jim laying on top of me. He was laughing like a hyena, and I was crying my eyes out. It upset me so much that I had almost dropped him. All of sudden my manly manliness flew out the window and disappeared into thin air. His Mother then rounded the corner and looked own at us. She asked if we were OK, Jim says ³I am, but I donıt think he is² and laughed even louder than he was to begin with. Mrs. Ayers had a strong look of concern on her face and stood there staring at the both of us. Jim still laughing, and me still sobbing like a child. Finally I gathered my senses and decided we needed to get up. Jim explained the best way to do this and led me through the drill. I got him to his bed and asked if I could take a break for a minute or so. He gave me permission, and I walked back into the bathroom, once again breaking into tears of shock and disbelief over what had just happened. I couldnıt help question my abilities to do this job. I couldnıt help blame myself for almost hurting him. God I was upset! I was shaking like a leaf. Eventually he called to me and told me he was hungry. I gathered myself and walked back into the room. I asked him if he was afraid to have me carry him, he replied saying ³Hell no, I have fallen and been dropped before! What do you think I am, some kind of wimp that canıt take pain?². I stood and listened and was not only surprised, but I was humbled to no end. I underestimated this man from the start. Thus began a long relationship between Jim and I. On that morning, I grew more toward adulthood than I ever had before. Here I was this healthy, athletic young man. There he was this twisted, quadriplegic that had lived his life on a pallet laid on the floor, and he was teaching me, and serving me, and giving to me! It still makes me teary eyed to think of it. I served with Jim for two years. During that time we traveled together, ate together, laughed together, and cried together. I became his friend and he became mine we became brothers. It was in his presence that I learned what service really is about. He proved to me that it is not about physical ability or athletics, but about goodness, grace, and patience. He taught me that there are those in the world that have less than others, but in other ways they have so much more. Jim proved to me that each one has something to offer to another, and that life is only good when friendship and love are a part of it. I eventually left the employment of the Ayers and got a job teaching mentally retarded adults. I went back to school and changed my major to Psychology. Jim had sparked a fire in me to serve in any way I could, that major would help me to serve better. Eventually I had to either give up school or work, I chose school. I had no money. Work paid the bills, and offered me the opportunity to learn by doing. Experience would become my teacher. These days we call it service learning. If only AmeriCorps had been around then I might have finished. I recently learned that Jim passed away a couple years ago. I am sorry to say that we had not kept in touch after I had moved away from East Tennessee. He died of pneumonia in his sleep. They said he never complained one bit. I wish I could have been there to hold his hand and thank him for his lessons about life and living. I wish I could have done the suffering for him. It saddens me to think I lost such a good friend that taught me so much about giving and service. I have said many times that after one dies, we only leave our legacy. I can name many people that were touched by this gentle man. Each of them would tell you of what they learned from him. Each lesson would be different, but each would also be meaningful and good. I am sure they, like me, think of him often with more love and appreciation than most. If your reading this and you are serving in any capacity, make sure you draw all the lessons you can. Make sure you humble yourself enough to allow those lessons to move your life toward the legacy you might leave. Someone might be looking to you for guidance, make it worth their while. Stay involved and donıt give in to the belief that you cannot make a difference, or that because one is different, they are un-able to move your life to a new place. Never think that because you are smart, others are dumb. And most of importantly, donıt ever stop trying to create positive change in the causes you choose. Serve one another! Carpeı Diem, Seize the day! To this day I thank Jim Ayers for my career in service. He showed me how my life was meant to be lived. He showed me that health is nothing if your not part of the solution. Thanks for tolerating the ramblings, In Service Always, Charlie Ford Possibilities Development (703) 684-7689 Resume available upon request "79" VW Bus, The Mothership www.tiora.net/~keen/charlie/charlie.html "Wider still and wider.....shall thy bounds be set"